Chapter Thirty-Nine

As Arthur remained busy assisting Edmund, Lilyrose sought Lionel’s permission for Ronal to accompany her on a ride, with a promise to stay within sight of the castle, for propriety’s sake.

“Soon, you will be leaving.”

Lilyrose nodded. “Now that Tilly seems well enough to travel. I’m glad Papa had decided we stay until she was better, I wouldn’t have wanted to leave her.” Dropping her gaze, she continued to fiddle with Miles’ mane.

“What’s wrong?”

Looking at him, she raised her brows.

“You’re very quiet.”

Shaking her head, she forced a smile. “Nothing’s wrong.”

Ronal slowed his horse down but kept it walking. “You’ve been quiet for a few days now, which isn’t like you. Something’s bothering you, I’m sure of it. Can’t you tell me? Sister,” he finished with a smile.

Unexpected tears pricked her eyes and she quickly turned away.

“Lilyrose, what’s wrong?”

She’d been bearing her worries alone for so long, the chance to share them was strangely enticing. Still, she hesitated. Finally, she said, “Don’t tell anyone.”

“You have my word.”

Looking him in the eye, she said, “Not even Arthur.”

Ronal frowned.

“I don’t want to keep secrets from him. I may tell him, one day. But, for now, he has enough worries of his own.”

It was obvious he didn’t agree, but he nodded. “I promise, not even Arthur.”

Tilting her head back, Lilyrose closed her eyes before opening them again with a slight shake of her head. Taking a deep breath, she opened her mouth, frowned and pressed her lips together. Hesitantly turning to him, she said, “I killed someone.”

Ronal stared and his horse, Jasper, came to a halt.

“Keep him walking,” she said, glancing at the outer walls.

Urging Jasper on, Ronal stammered then said, “You had to. Without you, Arthur may not have succeeded.”

“You don’t know. You weren’t there, you didn’t see.”

“True. But Arthur and Henry have described it to me countless times, I may as well have been. Lilyrose, surely you must know, if Arthur had failed, I’d still be in that cursed sleep and you wouldn’t be free of the curse.”

She kept shaking her head as if unable to stop. “The way people look at me now, it’s different because, because I’ve killed–”

“If anyone is looking at you differently, it’s because you’ve shown how brave you are.”

Her breathing uneven, she desperately wanted to believe him, but this worry, this fearful anxiety, was too big a shadow for her to shrug off. Biting her lip, Lilyrose fought against her tears. “I can’t stop thinking about it,” she whispered. “Every time I close my eyes, I see her dying. Every time I sleep, my dreams are filled with it. I’m killing her over and over again. I want it to stop. I don’t know how to make it stop. I’m scared.” Her chin trembling, she could no longer hold back her tears.

“Lilyrose, please.”

Struggling to stop her tears, knowing Ronal couldn’t do anything to comfort her, she took in gulps of air. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled.

“Don’t be. I hate this. I want to comfort you, wipe your tears, but I can’t. I can’t even hold your hand. Don’t be scared, Marlis can’t hurt you now.”

Taking in a deep breath, she slowly exhaled. “That’s not why I’m scared.” She wiped her face on her sleeve before turning to him. “It’s me. I’m scared of what I’m capable of. Ronal. I chose violence.”

His frown deepened. This time he brought Jasper to a stop. “What choice did you have? You didn’t choose it because you wanted to. You chose it because you had to. If you hadn’t, there’s every chance Marlis would have won. No, don’t argue, those are Arthur’s words, not mine. She’d have killed Arthur and, most likely, you too. And how many others before the gem elves stopped her?”

Lilyrose’s gaze slowly moved from his face to stare into the distance. She’d not thought that the alternative would have been Marlis’ partial victory. She shuddered, imagining Arthur lying dead and dismissed it with a violent head shake.

“I cannot begin to imagine how hard a thing this is for you,” said Ronal, his tone gentle. “But if it’s any solace, know that you did it to protect your family, my brave little sister.”

Eyes moist, she turned to him again and managed to smile. He was right. She had to weigh what she’d done – taken a life – against the lives of those she loved. All the hours she’d spent practicing, believing it was so she could protect herself. Knowing she was also able to protect her family did bring some comfort.

“Fight this, Lilyrose. Or Marlis may still win.”

She stiffened as the truth of his words hit her. “I will, my brother, I promise.”