Chapter Thirteen (Pt.2)

Leah burst into her room, muttering impatiently to herself. “Where is it? I could have sworn...” She moved the papers around on her desk, picking some up, flicking through others. Annoyed, she flung them down again and surveyed her room, arms akimbo before stumbling back, startled.

Without warning, Meraud appeared before her, mere inches separating them. “Good day, lover.”

To her intense irritation, Leah could feel her body responding to his honeyed tone. Deliberately breaking eye contact, she tried to move away but was trapped between him and her table. “I haven’t the time–” she said in her most officious tone, yet her voice trembled ever so slightly.

“I missed you.”

“Last night wasn’t that long ago.” Her attempt at flippancy fell flat as her cheeks coloured at the memory.

He moved closer, pushing his body lightly against hers. “I find the separation long enough.” He’d become a regular nightly visitor since Leah’s return from Kurabar.

She placed her hands against his chest in an attempt to put some distance between them.

Taking hold of her hands, he raised them to his lips and kissed her palms, his inky-black gaze not leaving her face.

Drawn into the strange glow deep in his eyes, she gave up trying to fight him. Feeling his lips against hers, she returned his kiss, her eyes sliding shut as she tangled her fingers in his hair.

Moulding his body against hers, he murmured, “Mine...”

She tensed, about to pull away.

He slipped his hand under her dove-grey tunic, his hand against her bare back.

Forgetting her misgivings, she pressed against him.

“… my own...” he said between kisses.

Her eyes blinked open; she frowned. “No...” She tried to push him away. “Stop... stop.”

“What?”

“I said, stop.” She pushed him away, stumbling back. “I’m... I’m not yours,” she said, fighting to catch her breath. “You may have my body, but you’ll never have me. Ever.”

Staring at her, his gaze cold, he said, “That, my delectable mortal, remains to be seen.” Then he was gone.

Trembling, Leah stared at the now empty space before her. A loud rapping on the door made her exclaim loudly. Forcing her legs to move, she crossed the room, hurriedly pulling her tunic down. Hooking her hair behind her ears, she opened the door. “Karel.”

The slender young man’s attempt to smile failed as he ran his hand through his rain-darkened, ginger hair. “Are you busy? I need to talk.”

After a moment’s hesitation, she moved aside for him to enter. “Come in.”

He remained where he was. “Isn’t there...? I thought I heard voices.”

“Voices? Oh, it was only me, talking to myself.”

Stepping in, he stood by the bed, hands in pockets as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “Haven’t seen much of you since your return.”

“There’s a lot to sort through, with all that’s happened.”

“How’s Evalan?”

She shrugged. “Alright, I suppose. He doesn’t really talk about it, but I can tell it’s affected him quite badly.”

Karel nodded as his gaze wandered about her room, but he remained silent.

“Was there anything, in particular, you wanted to talk about? I should be getting back to the officers’–”

“What’s happened with Conor? He was coping well enough before leaving on the progress. It’s only been two weeks since you’ve returned yet this is the third time I’ve found him in the tavern, drinking himself to oblivion.”

At the mention of Conor’s name, Leah pursed her lips. “You heard what happened with Nadeen. He’s going to have to answer for that; maybe that’s the reason why.”

“We’ve got to help him–”

“No.”

He stared.

“I’m not getting involved anymore. I tried to help him before, by insisting that he be included in the escort to Kurabar and see what happened there. Not just in Kurabar but with Harlan. His thoughtless behaviour cost Harlan his life.”

His mouth went slack. “What are you talking about? It was the brigand who caused Harlan’s death, not Conor.”

Leah shook her head. “You weren’t there–”

“But I have spoken to those who were. It was an accident; Harlan fell as Conor tackled the brigand–”

“It was his tackle that made the brigand thrust his sword forward.”

For a moment, Karel struggled to speak. “What’s wrong with you? Listen to yourself. It’s like you’re desperately trying to pin the blame on Conor, twisting things around–”

“I’m doing no such thing. If he hadn’t been part of the escort, the good name of Orenheart warriors wouldn’t be tarnished, my father wouldn’t have had to endure any embarrassment, and Harlan would still be alive.”

His eyes bulged. “You don’t know that. What’s happened to you? You used to care for your friends, do anything to help them.” Stepping back, he shook his head. “You’ve changed, Leah. I don’t know you anymore. And I don’t think I want to know a person who blames another for their own mistakes.”

Inhaling sharply, she crossed her arms over her chest. “What do you mean?”

He narrowed his ivy-green eyes as he jabbed a finger at her. “It’s you you’re angry with, isn’t it? No one forced you to insist that Conor be part of the progress, you made that decision yourself. If you’re so adamant on laying blame, then maybe you should look no further than yourself. But it’s easier to blame another than to take responsibility for your own actions, isn’t it?” Without another word, he left, slamming the door behind him.

Leah stared unblinkingly at the closed door, Karel’s words ringing in her ears. “It’s not true. I haven’t changed, I’m still the same person. And it is Conor’s fault. I have every right to be angry with him... it’s his fault...” For not choosing me... choosing Nadeen instead... That unwelcome thought brought with it a sudden revelation. The unending anger she felt towards Conor, blaming him for everything from their embarrassment at Kurabar to the unfairness of Harlan’s death... it wasn’t anger, it was resentment. I can’t bear that he knows my secret, and I’m at his mercy.

With an audible gasp, she stumbled back and sat heavily on her bed. “Goddess help me, he’s right,” she whispered. “Karel’s right. All this time I’ve been fooling myself, thinking I’m still the same, that it hasn’t affected me at all. But it has. Belosh’s mark has changed me.” 

*          *          *          *

Having dragged herself through the completion of her duties, Leah hovered by the stairs leading up to her room at the barracks. She craved solitude but was fearful that Meraud might reappear. And she couldn’t seek refuge in the gardens thanks to the persistent rain that had been falling since first light. Standing in the covered area, she surveyed the world outside; the rain seemed to wash colour away, leaving everything a dull grey, reflecting her mood.

Turning her collar up, she hunched her shoulders against the rain and sprinted to the stables. Shaking the water off, she made her way to Free’s stall, aware that she wasn’t alone, assuming the voices she heard belonged to the stable hands. It was only as she got closer that she realised she recognised the voices; they belonged to Karel and Conor. Creeping closer to where they stood, she kept to the shadows, out of sight.

Karel’s voice was raised. “I don’t know what your reasons are, but I’ll tell you this. You make your own choices, my friend. No one is making you do this but yourself. Of all us recruits you’ve been the most courageous, and yet, here you are giving in again without a fight. I know you want to numb yourself so you don’t feel anything...” He rubbed his hand across his brow. “You need to rediscover your courage, Conor, you have to allow yourself to find the strength to choose the harder road. Because, in the end, that’s the road that’s easier to live with. But I want you to know this: you will always have my support; I’ll give you whatever help you need.”

“Why?”

Karel barked a laugh. “What do you mean, ‘why’? Because you’re my friend, that’s why. I’ve never forgotten how you stood by me. Remember, that time I was accused of seducing that musician’s daughter? Because of my reputation with women, everyone took her word against mine. Even Karamay. My own sister didn’t believe me. But you believed me; you didn’t rest until you’d proved my innocence. I knew then what a true friend you are. So, no matter what, Conor, I will stand by you.”

Watching tears spill down Conor’s unshaven cheeks, Leah bit her lip as she pressed her hand to her heart.

With a heavy sigh, Karel clasped Conor’s shoulder. “Enough talk. Come, let’s get something to eat.”

“Go on, you go,” said Conor. “I’ll join you in a while.”

Karel studied him silently.

“I will, I promise. I need a few moments to...”

Karel nodded, but his brow remained furrowed. “Alright. But don’t take too long.”

Leah pressed herself deeper into the shadows as Karel walked past, hands thrust in his pockets. Clasping her hands before her, she took a deep breath, knowing what she had to do but dreading it all the same. She moved towards Conor, who was standing with head bowed, seemingly deep in thought, cradling his still-bandaged arm. “Conor...”

Raising his head, he stared wide-eyed.

“Conor, I–”

“What are you doing here? No, never mind. I’ve wanted to speak to you, to tell you... You were right. You’re the only one who’s been honest enough to speak the truth. Everyone else keeps trying to convince me otherwise. But I know what really happened. And I want you to know how sorry I am about everything. Especially Harlan. I’d give anything to bring him back, to take his place. By rights, it should be Harlan standing here, and my ashes with my... father.”

All Leah could do was shake her head, her heart constricting at the dull tone of his voice, wishing that she could take back her cruel words.

He lowered his red-rimmed eyes, looked around as if searching for something before raising his gaze to meet hers. It seemed as if he was about to speak; instead, he walked away.

Her breath catching, Leah drew her hand across her eyes. “Happy now, you lackwit? Why do I always end up hurting him? Why do I never think before I open my great, flapping mouth?”